i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
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