You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
