His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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