If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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