Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
