im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
