The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
