i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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