I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
