ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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