im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
