I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
