I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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