So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
