who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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