Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
