I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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