I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
