Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
50% drunk capacity currently
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
