i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize