i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
