There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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