when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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