I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Less talking, more tequila
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
