I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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