I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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