Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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