her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
