If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
