Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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