i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
