I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
