I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My cat gives me a boner
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
