Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
