It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
