I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
