I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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