Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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