Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
