There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
