If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
