Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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