Someone shit on the floor
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
