I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
