sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
