bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
