I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
