If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
