Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize