Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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