You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
