you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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