Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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