it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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