you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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