i already hear my dad disowning me
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
