Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
