Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
