if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
