She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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