at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize