you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
God, I missed his penis.
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