Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
